July 16:

I’ve not been on here to write and I really need to make time to do that. With my day work picking up, parenting in Summer, the YouTube channel chugging along, my joining a weekly local film discussion group, the constant hamster wheel of laundry/dishes and cleaning the house – I feel like my dance card is full with time to do little else. I still try and check in with my tribe as best I can but am still severely lagging here.

The world is very different now than it had been in previous years and I’m starting to forget what “normal” looks like. In the last few years, the country has been mired in political scandals, the race relations have reached a breaking point, we’re living through a global pandemic that has greatly impacted the economy and led to millions in job losses but even more than that, the deaths of hundred thousands worldwide…to say we are taking a loss would be an understatement. And yet many of us have learned to adapt, to soldier on, in the face of so much sorrow and blight. I cannot imagine the mental health toll this pandemic will be taking and I truly believe it’s something the majority have pushed to the back burner but an issue I’m sure will come back and rain down like the hammer of Thor once it’s reckoning makes it’s face known.

I don’t know where we are as there’s so much we just don’t know and trying to predict the future is a fool’s errand at this point but in my anxiety and despair, I’ve turned to prayer. I “talk” with God, the Saints and my parents. It’s mostly informal conversations and there’s no crying or bargaining but just a plea for strength and health for all and an acceptance if the worst imaginable does befall me. I have a co worker who’s had so much death touch her in this time that when I hear her voice it’s just hallow now but you can catch glimpses of pain and hurt and sorrow in various inflections and my heart truly hurts for her and her dear ones. I cry for the families left motherless, fatherless, without grandparents and mourning the deaths of children – those are especially hard to hear now that I am a parent. I hope to never bury any of my children and I hope it is still a very long time before death visits our door and separates me from them.