Today I am grateful for memories. Today is the fifth anniversary of my mother’s passing. I kept myself busy for most of the day but then the kids went to bed, the dishes were loaded into the washer and things got quiet. I reflected on my relationship with my mother. She was not an easy woman and our relationship had many lows. I was not the daughter she imagined and she continually disappointed and angered me. Both our feelings may have been justified but in her passing I’ve come to regret many things. I regret not trying more with her. It was easy to throw up my hands and walk away and that was an artform I crafted and perfected in the years of our acquaintance. I often times do not think I really knew her and that makes me sad. To not have that tie to the past and my own history, to not have a history to draw from, to not have any lessons to impart to my own children. There were so many issues with my mother but I think, unfortunately, a very large one was mental illness, something that became bigger and bigger and which my family refused to acknowledge and address. We all did her a disservice by not confronting her on this and merely ignoring it like my father and brother or running away from it like I did.

That is not to say there were not good memories – there were. There were treats and shows of affection that will always stay in my heart and memories I can pull out and relive when I need to. As I’ve gotten older I’ve come to see her with more compassionate and empathic eyes. She did the best she could with what she had and I am grateful for all the good times we shared. At the end of the day, she was my mother, one of the first faces of love in my life. I look to my own children now and strive to not make the same mistakes that she and I made and to be the kind of mother I always hoped my own mother would be to me. I hope I am successful.