My cat died last night and I am still a little shell shocked about it. His name was Spike. My then boyfriend and I were walking around lower Manhattan when we saw these 2 girls with a boxes advertising kittens. He went over and immediately picked Spike. It was a love that lasted 17+ years and we are both so incredibly sad because in that time we wove a story with our little buddy that spanned the early parts of our relationship, the beginning of our marriage, 5 very different home moves, 2 kids and includes so many funny little stories and fond memories that we are clinging to at this time.

From the very start he was always just such a mush – he would let you hold and pet him as long as you wanted. He was always so good and even tempered – even with our little ones or the countless other littles we’ve hosted in our home. We always joked and called him “the Brad Pitt of cats” and even last night, the vet on-call at the overnight emergency vet place said he was a good looking cat and looked like he was just sleeping.

In times like these its easy to doubt and question things you did and things you could have done. I think that’s a normal human reaction to a loss. It’s common to have regrets and to blame one’s self about how things should have played out. I think this aspect too is a natural occurrence in times of loss and grief. However, I do know that our cat was very loved and that he was here home with his family and now suffers no more. I know that he loved us and adored my husband. I know that he felt my husband’s love and concern and was comforted in that moment, even though what was happening to his body may have scared and taken him by surprise. I’m grateful that it was quick and not some long, drawn out thing. I hope he’s in some big field right now running around and playing with his brother, Iggy, who we said good-bye to in 2016. Iggy was also in the box that day and we had originally chosen him as a companion cat to his sister’s friend but I wound up falling in love with Iggy and he stayed with us to the very end of his life.

When you decide to be a pet owner, you aren’t really thinking about all the things that could go wrong – illnesses and sicknesses, old age and death. When I saw them that first time all I felt was wonder and awe at these 2 little creatures, who were very little as they still had their baby kitten fur, who were exploring the world and trying to figure out things as they went along. They’d sometimes brawl like siblings do but for the most part had a loving relationship. When we first moved to this apartment, we had 4 cats and now only have one. Its so strange and heartbreaking and surreal – all at once. I know in time we’ll be okay but for now we are so very, very sad. I am grateful my brother was here and stayed with the kids, who slept through it as it was late in the night. I appreciate the Veterinary Emergency Group’s staff and their sympathy and allowance of time to grieve in the room. My head is stuck in that it feels like it was not that long ago that we brought him home and he was a playful little kitten and last night we put his little lifeless body in a box and took him to a place where we filled out forms about cremation. I’m still at a loss and my head feels all jumbled and confused but the ache in my chest is very real and this veil of tears I’m fighting through as I type is also very real. This morning when I woke up I almost expected him in his usual spaces and places but he was not there. In the back of my head I knew but my eyes still did a scan for him and settled on the spot where he took his last breath. I reached down and felt the tiles and felt nothing but cold. Nothing really prepares you for the loss of a pet and it’s heartbreaking and devastating. The irony is I wouldn’t change a thing. In spite of the hurt I currently feel, I am richer because I had Spike in my life. Rest well, little friend – you are loved and missed.